I live in the present, I don’t regret anything from my past. My past has made me who I am and I don’t want to change who I am.
But every so often I wonder who I would have become if I had made different choices in the past. One thought that has recently entered my thought pattern is… what if I had never become friends with my best friend in high school… who by the way is someone I would have no interest in being involved with today.
I don’t really know why we became friends… well actually I do in a way. When we first met we did not get along at all, she was how do I put it lightly… a bitch a mean bitch. Though we were all suppose to feel sorry for her because both of her parents had died and she had to move in with her aunt. I guess I did feel bad for her, didn’t like her but felt bad for her and she was mean to me but one night in the summer she appeared at my bedroom window NEEDING help because she was drunk and was suppose to spend the night with one of her actual friends but the friends mother returned her to her house because she was drunk. She pretended to go into her house and hid until the friends mother left. Then she made her way to my house for reasons I will never know and knocked on my window, told me her sob story and I stupidly let her in, let her spend the night with the promise that she leave before anyone in my house woke up.
I stayed up all night so I could be sure that she left before anyone in my house woke up and found her. When I woke her the next morning I expected her to leave and our previous relationship of “not liking each other” to stay intact and for us to have nothing more do do with each other, which in retrospect would have possibly been for the best but then again had she not become my friend I may have become a different person.. not sure if that would have been for the better or worse.
Anyway to my surprise she was obsessed at becoming my friend to the point of trying to like everything I did. I guess she was amazed that someone she was horribly mean to could put their self on the line to protect someone that asked for protection. I don’t know why she wanted to suddenly become my friend or why I let her but I did. And thinking back I guess I didn’t really have many friends and of the ones I had none were popular, she was and actually I didn’t know how to tell her no and I didn’t want to go through high school all alone.
The odd thing is she was constantly leading me into trouble, things like smoking and drinking, sneaking out, even introduction to drugs and I stupidly went along with it. I got into worlds of trouble with her leading the way but she never got in trouble herself. I became a ‘possible different person’ who know I may have done those things on my own, who knows.
Anyway I sometimes think that it might be interesting to be able to go back in time, just to see how things would have been different if I had made different choices and if one of those choices had been to never become friends with her. Keep in mind this ‘experiment’ would in no way change my current life, it would just be a way to see other paths my life could have taken.
I love my life, it is in NO WAY PERFECT but it is my life and I love the people who are in my life today and I would not give them up for anything. I feel blessed to have the life I have, I feel blessed to have become the person I am. I am not proud of everything I have done in my past but, I am proud of who I have become. And I would have never become the person I am had I not experienced everything I did in my past good or bad. Still it would be interesting to see how our lives would be different if our pasts were changed.
We all carry our past and in that past we become who we are today.